Worth The Fall?

      To what lengths are you willing to go in order to experience or achieve or obtain a particular desire?  Generally speaking, the more difficult or strenuous the journey is, the more value we assign to the finish line.  And conversely, the more easily we can attain something, the less valuable it becomes.  Today's tale is the embodiment of this cliche.

      In hopes of diving even deeper into Buddhism, I set out to trek the Phu Wua Mountains.  There is a renowned mini-pilgrimage which offers eight shrines built up a mountainside; each of which are more sacred with altitude gained.  At ground level, I had the pleasure of meeting the monks as they mingle with the local Thais who attempt to sell teas, spices, and a few interesting lunch choices (I had the fish head soup) to the Buddhist devotees.  Monkeys and feral dogs are scattered about the grounds due to the food left behind by the loads of worshipers.

      The journey up the mountainside was one that didn't seem all imposing from the bottom but when it pertains to heights, is it ever?  The beginning of the hike consisted of large stepping stones, wooden stairs, and a complete metal railing.  Easy enough, right?  I should've taken a clue from the sweaty, panting people slumped over, dragging feet back to their vehicles.  I remember stopping to rest my burning calves and thighs, observing the lovely view above the treetops, and I wasn't even at the first shrine yet.  But I pushed on and after a few narrow paths of tip-toeing cliffside (I realized the importance of the railing now that it was broken or missing altogether), I had finally reached a shrine.  Wedged between two narrow cave walls was a statue so detailed that I spent far too much time questioning if I was interrupting a meditating monk.  This would be the first stop to begin praying along this actual and metaphorical adventure.

You can actually see the curvature of the Earth.

      Each of the shrines was uniquely dissimilar from the next.  There was the frightening statue of the monk.  There were carvings, flowers, and candles.  There was a golden statue of Buddha.  Books, framed manuscripts, and drawings cluttered another shrine.  And the path from each of these locales to the next degraded as I ascended.  The stone steps gave way to wooden stairs.  These turned into simple planks.  Soon enough, I was just struggling to find a foothold in the loose dirt.  I felt that being barefooted was my best bet, and I naturally received some stares due to this.  My justification was that it was better than falling to one's death.

      At the hike's finale, I found myself looking across the Mekong River into the country of Laos.  I entered into a cave underneath a magnificently large sedimentary rock overhang, the size of which was actually quite unnerving.  Decorated by crawling jungle vines and massive beehives, I couldn't have fathomed a more perfect place for a Thai Buddhist shrine.  Before me laid row after row of bronze statues – each of these depicted a prior local monk who broken the cycle of death and rebirth and had achieved nirvana becoming a Buddha.  I was in impressive company.

      Hiking down offered the opportunity to reflect on this sidewinding trail through the jungle and up the mountain.  It was physically difficult.  It was legitimately dangerous.  It made me question what the hell I was doing.  It was also completed on a daily basis by petite Thai monks along the same circumstances that I had undergone.  And it never dissuades them from tomorrow's journey.  How's that for a metaphor?

The final sacred shrine

Meditate And Celebrate

      Regardless of your religious affiliation, I'd recommend that everyone educate themselves on Buddhism. Though some do, I and many of its followers wouldn't personally classify Buddhism as a religion. I’d hope that it wouldn’t be a conflict of interest for any religious devotees to concern themselves with. It may be better classified as a philosophy, a lifestyle choice, or simply guidelines by which one who desires to lead a morally satisfying life can follow (of course this will raise questions such as "What is morality?" and "Is morality universal?". Those are better left for a more in depth debate at a later time.). In the vein of generalities (and oh how I despise generalities), what follows are the CliffsNotes to Buddhism.

There exists the Four Noble Truths – four observable, universal facts* (*you may disagree):

- Suffering exists.

- Suffering has a cause.

- If there is a cause there must also be a cessation.

- There is a path leading to the cessation of suffering - the Eightfold Path.

The Eightfold Path consists of living benevolently by practicing positivity through the following: righteous understanding, thought, speech, action, livelihood, effort, mindfulness, and concentration. Couldn't we all benefit from the daily execution of these?

      One of the many Buddhist temples within walking distance of where I live recently spent three days celebrating the anniversary of its construction, and luckily I never mind being the token, out-of-place foreigner. Besides, I'll take every opportunity I can to spend time at any of the temples for nothing more than the experience. As I have walked by these particular temple grounds every day, I've gotten to see the preparations for the event take place. Observing this commotion is what put the event on my radar. I initially witnessed the monks working furiously as they painted their enormous Buddha statue from white to gold...but I was unsure as to why. Afterwards, I observed the monks tying white string from any and every point on the temple grounds to opposing points, creating an impressively intense webbing suspended seven or eight feet off of the ground...but I was unsure why. From a distance I watched the monks lay hundreds of thin gray squares on the ground in a perfectly-spaced, geometric pattern...but I was unsure of why. And finally, outside of the temple grounds, conjoined covered tents were erected for hundreds of feet in the middle of the road...but I was unsure why.

Once white...

...now gold.

Receiving a blessing outside the temple.

      To my excitement, the first day arrived and the commencement of the ceremonies began. I was in attendance as soon as the temple grounds were opened and met with a blessing as I sought answers to all of my questions. The tents on the road were lined with mothers and grandmothers cooking Thai dishes that would typical be served to their families. Luckily for me, this time they were being offered to the temple-goers...for free! What a way to gain positive karma! After eating an obscene amount of Thai dishes, I entered the grounds and observed the concrete checker-boarded with gray mats. These were to be used for the prayer ceremony hosted by the monks each night. This also brought the answer to my question about the overhead string. The webbing was tied to absolutely everything within the temple grounds: the columns, the statues of Buddha and the Hindi deities, the flower pots, the fountains, the candle holders, the trees, indoors and out. From the overhead webbing, a cloth with a prayer on it was suspended along with a balled-up string. This string was for the taking. We were to loosen the knot, unroll it, and tie it to our thumb while seated during meditation and prayer. Now not only were were connected to all of the physical objects around us but to Buddha and each other as well. There we sat, hundreds of us sending pulses over this interconnected web. I was so impressed by this uniquely beautiful symbolism.

Notice the string running everywhere.  Inside...

      Hours later after the sun set and a nightly prayer session led by the eldest monks took place, people started filing out of the grounds. Radiating positive energy and refreshed with good karma, I walked home knowing that I'd return for the following two nights. This was certainly one of the more memorable and sacred events that I've ever been blessed to be apart of.

...and out.

Moving, But Not Moving On

      As I have previous alluded to, it seems that the sun may be setting on my life in Sakon Nakhon.  Naturally, I've fielded questions along the lines of "What was wrong with your experience there?", "What would you have changed?", "Tired of eating bugs and rats?" and "What will you do next?".  I've spent a fair amount of time reflecting on these questions and have come to the conclusion that things were pretty damn good.  Of course I won't overlook the hardships of day-to-day existence but freeing one's mind and adopting the Mai Bpen Rai mantra sure makes things simpler and by extension, easier.  I'm willing to say that regardless of where one lives, this approach to life could benefit everyone.

Living Mai Bpen Rai to the fullest.

      There were moments had that I wouldn't trade for anything.  The smell of the breeze across a rice paddy, a herd of water buffalo lazily tromping through a field, the sun setting at the end of a long, dusty road.  There were interactions with others that offered so much insight...and not a single word was spoken.  Ironic, no?  Smiles, gestures, and intuitive head nods are effective communication and can mean so much.  Imagine being tattooed by a Buddhist monk with sharpened bamboo.  Imagine hiking so high up a mountainside that you can see Laos.  Imagine sitting on the banks of the mighty Mekong River.  Imagine having your beard pulled on by an infant and a nonagenarian, both in utter amazement that coarse hair grows from your cheeks and chin.  Fortunately for me, I don't have to imagine these things.  They've become my experiences and I am forever grateful.

The following photos were taken with a Holga camera which I gutted and attached an instant-film developer back to.  Shot with Fuji FP-100C instant film.

      With that being said, it is my intention to move to Chon Buri, Thailand – a settlement that can actually be referred to as a city.  With a larger population and much more modernity than what I've experienced for the previous six months, I'll be exposed to yet another side of Thailand.  I suppose it'll fall in between the minimalism of Sakon Nakhon and the insanity of Bangkok.  It's another opportunity for discovery – which excites me – but if all else fails, Sakon Nakhon will certainly be there.

The Ides of March

      Have you ever attempted to define the undefinable?  I've been thinking about love a lot lately (Hello, March 15th).  Naturally I posed the questions of "What is love?", "How does one know if they're experiencing it?" and "Is it conditional or unconditional?"  Difficult to answer; but yes, those questions beg an response.  At least for me.  Some may be satisfied by a simple 'yes' or 'no' when asked about love, but I feel I need to know why.  There's something in the details.  I blame Ed Smith, former painting and drawing professor at Louisiana State University, for this.  He'd repeatedly emphasize the importance of knowing why we did what we did when conceiving and creating a work of art.
      "You've got unlimited freedom here; you're only constrained by the objectives you yourself set out to achieve.  So do what you will.  I ask, however, that you know why you did what you did.  If you can't answer that then you're admitting the arbitrary and pointless nature of the elements in your work."
      "Admittedly, there will be the extremely rare moment where you won't be able to defend your actions as it'll just feel 'right'.  I'll give you one of those during the critique...just know that it'll be looked at like a cheap and lazy excuse." he'd finish saying with a smile.
I wanted to omit 'it just feels right' when attempting to describe love.  I wanted the challenge.  I wanted to look past the obvious as well: because she's gorgeous beautiful (I was once told that I couldn't use that word), because she loves me back, because we were meant to be together, because we only think in cliches.

      But what happens when you're not only certain that love is real but you want to clearly characterize it?  How do you assign meaning to the incomprehensible when you feel it but you can't see it, you can't quantify it, you can't gauge it?

      When separated, have you ever been missed by someone or been the one doing the missing?  Have you wished that you were somewhere else regardless of circumstances?  And it's not only about their presence.  It's about how it felt when you moved about them; through them, with them.  It's just something that has always existed in the back of your mind, hopeless to shake.

      What about their scent?  There's something about being apart and forgetting what that distinct smell truly offers.  And how it all comes flooding back once that long-awaited encounter is finally initiated.  This is one of the things often taken for granted.  We often don't realize that we were missing it until it's been gone far too long and (hopefully) returned.

      The comfort that can be had in certain sounds is another attractive quality.  The routines of a day in love produce a soundtrack that we become pleasantly accustomed to.  And the lulling sounds at night is something one can easily find soothing.  Occasionally we even find a love with a gift for music whose songs are the only thing we long to hear.

      In spite of conflicts arising between you and your beloved, they're never deal-breakers.  The things that others do which may piss us off or drive us insane are inexplicably forgiven.  The far-too-early mornings or way-too-late nights, through sunshine and thunderstorms, whether harmony or anarchy.  Things that may be sizable issues shrink to minutia when it pertains to love.

      So how was that?  My attempt to measure or calculate what love actually is in such a way that only I could do...overly-thought and overly-logical.  Here's the fallacy in my conclusion – love is a concept.  It isn't a solid, visible, tangible object.  You can't apply logic to the illogical.  When you are in love:
Even when you don't look incredible, you look incredible
Even when you smell bad, you smell great
Even when you sound loud and obnoxious, it's the most melodic cacophony
Even when it was the roughest night, you still wouldn't want to sleep anywhere else
Even when you're in too deep and terrified, you can't find comfort any other way

      I'd like to believe that I'm currently familiar with all of this on a first-hand basis.  Her name is Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Ayuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Piman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit but you may know her as Bangkok - the City of Angels.  Despite her sights, sounds, smells, the scorching infernos she calls days, the pure psychosis that the nights can be, I'm in deep.


"How can you be certain?"


It just feels right.    : )

Bangkok is truly a city of the haves...

...And the have nots.

March 15th is always love

Crystal Ball

      I wanted to believe that after the two weeks of final exams and final grades that my life would go back to being relatively simplistic as far as stress, duties, and obligations were concerned. Don't get me wrong, It's not lost on me the fact that things are far from actually being simple when life is simple. Ironic, but hear me out. I'll never again take for granted the little things in life as most of us Westerners do. Do you have internet? Air-conditioning? A constant supply of electricity? Hot water when you bathe? Oh, you mean you don't have to ladle water over your body out of a bucket? How far do you have to walk to fill up your jugs with clean drinking water? When's the last time you had toilet paper? Me?...October. See what I'm getting at? Despite these third world conditions (according to an American) or minor inconveniences (according to local Thais), life is simple in Sakon Nakhon. The sun rises, work is done, the sun sets, time is spent with your family, sleep, repeat.

Yep, the bathroom.

Motorized travel is a luxury if you can splurge.

My egg producers

Rats for dinner (foot left in the photo for scale).

I see this feral dog everyday.  How he is not dead is beyond me.

      The thing is, I didn't want to admit that life after the school term would probably end up being more difficult. Now I'm left with having to make the burdensome decision of what the future holds for me. I have the option to stay here in Sakon Nakhon or I can make a move to somewhere else in Thailand (I've been offered Chon Buri, Chacheongsao, and southern Bangkok) or the ever-present option of returning home. In an earlier draft of this post I wrote, "Sadly enough, returning home isn't an option which I'd prefer to devote a lot of attention towards." However recent thoughts have taken me on a roller coaster of emotions. I've spent the past few days feeling everything from 'I want to move home and never leave again.' to 'I could live in Bangkok forever! I love this city!' to 'Wow, I can apparently only operate in polar extremes. I wonder what moderation feels like to normal, well-balanced individuals?'.

      I believe that I'm still in the process of searching for meaning and purpose in life. So with that, doesn't it seem that I'm left with the decision to make a move to continue my journey elsewhere in Thailand or stay put to delve even deeper into life in this microscopic Thai village? Both opportunities offer positive possibilities as well as negative ones. For someone who is already indecisive as hell, too many options leaves the decision-making process nigh impossible.  Regardless of the conclusion though, my time in Sakon Nakhon has been eye-opening and enlightening beyond anything I could've imagined.  Very fitting for this Buddhist settlement.

School's Final Day!

      So here I am...the morning after completing the last day of school.  I believe that this is the first time that it's felt slightly different than any of the previous.  While I'm excited to have reached this point, the level of jubilation is a tad less than what's normally experienced by school children and teachers alike.  Perhaps this is due to the work that I've been required to do over the past few weeks; I've gotten a sincerely in depth view at what the Thai educational system values.  During the process of finalizing grades, I've discovered that the quintessential Thai mantras are boundless and have come into play yet again.  The idea of saving face, "cool heart" (promoting kind-heartedness), and "Mai Bpen Rai" (a 'no worries' / 'it's OK' / 'oh, whatever!' approach and demeanor) can be potentially detrimental to the students' future despite Thais' refusal to acknowledge it.

      This week has been occupied with inputting grades into that user-UNfriendly Thai computer program which calculates the percentage of each students' final grade based on a pretest, many different unit benchmarks, a midterm, and a final exam.  After the student's final grade was calculated, I regrettably had quite a few students who failed (but rightfully so, they simply just do not know English).  However, my grades needed to be submitted to a governing Thai teacher for approval first.  The result was me being asked to raise all of these failing grades to a score high enough to pass these students.  Nothing else required...not a retake of a poor assignment or test, not a summer class, not even a single tutoring session.  Just pass them on to the next grade level.  Also, any final grade (the scale is out of 100) that ended with a four or a nine is to be rounded up to a five or a zero.  The outcome of this is that the students' final grade is elevated into the next tier of scores.  So an 80 to a 100 is a 4 (an "A" by American standards, and a ridiculously large range) and a 50 and below is failing (which they can't receive), so what's left is a 75-79 as a 3.5, a 70-74 as a 3.0, a 65-69 as a 2.5, etc.  Each of the students with a rightful 69 (2.5) actually get a 3.0.  My students with a 74 (3.0) are awarded a 3.5.  So on and so forth.

      Does this promote an atmosphere with a lack of embarrassment?  Sure.  Does this show the students my "cool heart"?  Yep.  Does this do justice to all of the students who will surely fail Matthayom 2 English class because they were absolutely murdered by Matthayom 1 English class?  Nope!  And thus the cycle will continue year after year until they get to college.  It is then, for the first time in their educational journey, that Thai students are held accountable for their scores.  This is when they experience an honest assessment in a class.

      These poor Matthayom 1 students will be in for a rude awakening eventually.  

My four graduating Matthayom 6 classes.
Congratulations!  Best of luck going off to college!

Ever So Sorry

      So here's where I apologize profusely for the lengthy duration since my last entry. The past two weeks have been insanely busy due to this academic term's conclusion. What has this meant for me? Well, I've had to create the final English exam for my M 1 and M 6 level students, administer the exam to 1,250 of them, grade all 1,250 of the exams, input every scores for every student for the entire term into a computer program (which is in the Thai language, so it's basically impossible to navigate), get informed that there was an issue with the program so I'd have to redo the entire process, and create a pre and post analysis of each students' grades to see how they've improved (or more realistically, simply plateaued).

Why it was decided that the school should undergo renovations during final exams, I'll never know.
Does anyone know what the OSHA regulations are for bamboo scaffolding?

I've been dealing with jack-hammering outside of my classroom all week.  Also, are there OSHA regulations for
welding the beam that you're sitting on while wearing flip-flops and no protective gear?

My M 1 students are clearly taking their final exams seriously...

Because my M 6 students are setting such a good example.

      All of this coincides with the cessation of my contract; I only have one week left here in Sakon Nakhon! What's next for me? Honestly, I haven't had a single free moment to ponder that. I suppose I should make that a priority though, right? Feel free to offer suggestions in the comments below.

     As for my apologizes, please accept a brief glimpse of my sketchbook since I haven't had the time to write more frequently. I promise things will return to normal soon.

Brain juice

Thai inspired

For my Thai barber

Dana